Rosh Hashanah 2018 Sermon First Day

"Why Have You Deleted Me From Your Life?"

There is a wonderful story by the American author Ernest Hemingway. He tells about a Spanish father who wants to reconcile with his son. The son has run away to Madrid and his father has not seen or heard from him in some years.

In order to locate his son, he takes out this ad in the El Liberal newspaper:

"Paco, meet me at the Hotel Montana at noon on Tuesday.

 All is forgiven. Love, Papa."

Paco is a common name in Spain, and when the father goes to the square he finds 800 young men named Paco waiting for their fathers.

What drew them to the hotel? As Hemingway tells it, it was the words

"All is forgiven." Notice that the father did not say, "All WILL BE forgiven IF you do this or that." Or, "All WILL BE forgiven WHEN you do such and such."

He simply says, "All is forgiven." No strings attached.

The story is a poignant one and as such touches on a theme that we rarely discuss when speaking about family life. We all know that relationships within families can at times be quite strained. More often than we would like to admit, those stresses reach the breaking point and lead to estrangement. Adult children stop talking to their parents. A sibling stops talking to his or her brother or sister. Parents make it clear that their adult child is no longer welcome home for the holidays. We often talk about the family as it should be. We less often talk about the family as it often is. This is the theme I would like to address this morning.

In recent years social science researchers have been studying family estrangement, which they define as the rupture of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is little or no communication.. The researchers have discovered that estrangement is much more common that we once thought. Eight percent of adults interviewed in one study said that they have cut off contact entirely with a parent, child, or sibling. And close to twenty percent of us -- one in five -- report that a close relative has completely cut off contact with us.

Many of us don’t know why a family member has distanced themselves from us or has cut off contact altogether. One young woman, Shoshana, had not seen her sister in years. Sometimes, she says, she dreams about her sister.  She understands those dreams as representing a longing for her sister that will not abate. She has wracked her brain to try to understand the animosity that her sister holds toward her. In an attempt to find some answers she recently sent her sister an email. “We are sisters. Why have you deleted me from your life?” she wrote. In a delayed response, her sister simply wrote, “You should know”.

There is a stigma attached to estrangement which makes it difficult for us to acknowledge it, let alone discuss it. One woman who is estranged from a daughter writes, “The subject is fraught with such shame and disgrace ……... Oh….bad parent! What did he/she do?! That’s the reason I don’t bring it up with friends in church or the coffee shop.” Another writes, “I always kept it to myself but i am not going to do that any longer……..I bet every one of us knows somebody else whose child(ren) are estranged, we just have no knowledge of it. Even one of my closest friends in my neighbourhood……...doesn’t know. She just knows my daughter lives in XXX and my son lives in XXX and I mostly talk about my non-estranged son. She probably thinks I play favourites or something but is too polite to say so.”

The Torah is full of stories of family estrangement. A quarrel between the brothers Cain and Abel leads to murder. Noah curses his son Ham. Abraham and Lot separate due to a conflict over land rights. Jacob does not see his brother, Esau, for twenty years. Leah and Rachel are bitter rivals. Joseph’s brothers detest him.

This morning we read the story of the birth of Isaac and Abraham sending his first born child, Ishmael away. We know that Abraham loved Ishamael. We know Abraham did not want to send Ishmael away. It is Sarah who insists. The last we hear of Ishmael in tomorrow morning’s Torah reading is that  he has settled in the Wilderness of Paran and his mother has found a wife for him. The next we hear of Ishmael is years later, when he returns for his father Abraham’s funeral. Have you ever wondered what happened to Ishmael in the intervening years? Did Abraham miss him? Did Ishmael try to contact his father?

According to the Rabbis, after three years Avraham goes to see Yishmael. This is no small thing. Keep in mind that the Rabbis who tell this story have accused Ishmael of every crime from attempted murder, to idolatry to sexual impropriety. Before Abraham goes he swears to Sarah that he will not descend from the camel when he arrives at Ishmael’s home.  He set off alone to visit his son and arrives at mid-day. Ishmael’s wife comes out to greet the stranger. Abraham asks, “Where is Yishmael?”  She says to him, “He has gone with his mother to fetch fruits and dates from the wilderness.” Abraham says to her, “Give me a little bread and a little water, for my soul is weary from the journey in the desert.” But Ishmael’s wife is not a generous or hospitable woman, and she refuses to share food or water with this stranger.  She says to him, “I have neither bread nor water.”  Abraham replies, “When Yishmael comes, tell him this story and say to him, “Change the threshold of your house for it is not good for you.”  “When Yishmael returns his wife tells him the story.  Yishmael understands, and sends her away.  His mother Hagar (then) finds a new wife for him.

               

Three years later Avraham goes to see Yishmael and again swears to Sarah that he would not descend from the camel when he arrives at Ishmael’s home.  He arrives there at mid-day and finds Ishmael’s new wife, Fatima.  He asks for Ishmael and is told he is away. He asks for some bread and water. She gives him some food and drink.  Avraham rises and prays before the Holy One, Blessed be He, on behalf of his son, and the house of Yishmael is filled with all good things. When Yishmael returns, his wife tells him the story and Yishmael understands that his father Abraham still loves him.

This story teaches us a few lessons when we experience estrangement from family in our own lives. First of all, one can never forget one’s family, no matter how much one wants to put them out of your mind. A parent can never forget a child. A sibling can perhaps put a brother or sister out of their lives, but they can never put them out of their memories. Abraham can send Ishmael away, but he can never forget him.  He continues to worry about him and he wants the best for him.

A second lesson we can learn from this story is that we ought not to adhere to rigid rules or formal expectations when reaching out to an estranged family member. Abraham doesn’t say, “He’s my son, he should make the first move” Abraham doesn’t make excuses for inaction, either. He doesn’t say, “I would call him, but there would be a price to pay at home.” And, just as important, he doesn’t go behind his wife Sarah’s back. He doesn’t tell Sarah he is going to take a business trip, and then go see Ishmael on the sly. I imagine Abraham and Sarah had quite a row when Abraham told her it was important for him that he see his son. I imagine that took a while to work out. Sarah wants him to eliminate all contact. Eventually she and Abraham arrive at a compromise. Abraham will only visit him every three years. When he does visit him, he promises Sarah that he will not stay long. She extracts a promise from him that he will not even alight from his camel. This means that even were Ishmael home, Abraham would not even be able to give him a hug!

Ishmael also demonstrates understanding. When he hears that a stranger has come to visit him and has given him advice, he does not reject it. He could have responded angrily to Abraham’s visit. He could have reasoned, “If my old man cares for me so much, why did he throw me out of the house in the first place?” To me this indicates that he has some understanding, some empathy, for the situation that led his father to send him away from the home in the first place. He shows an understanding of his father’s predicament, and even of his father’s agony. This helps him to open his heart to his father, despite the pain that his father has caused him. He takes the advice! He finds a new wife, a wife who is better for him!

So, if you are a parent who is estranged from your child, don’t stand on ceremony, don’t make excuses, hop on your camel and let them know you still care about them. If you are a child who is estranged from your parent, know that they still love you and care about you and want the best for you.  And if you are a sibling who has stopped speaking to your brother or sister, ask yourself the question, “How does it feel to live your life never speaking to them again?” Does it make you happy? If not, do you think you need to do something about it?

Rabbi Harold Kushner writes, “Forgiveness is not a favor we do for the person who offended us. It is a favor we do for ourselves, cleansing our souls of thoughts and memories that lead us to see ourselves as victims and make our lives less enjoyable. When we understand we have little choice as to what other people do but we can always choose how we will respond to what they do, we can let go of those embittering memories and enter the New Year clean and fresh.”