Passover and Parash Tzav: It's No Shame

 Monday evening Jews around the world will gather with families, friends and neighbors for our Seders to tell the story of Passover. The word “seder” is related to the word we use for our prayer book, “siddur”. Both come from the Hebrew root meaning “order”. Just as the Siddur presents our prayers in a particular order, so the Seder rituals must be performed in a particular sequence. The sages of the Talmud said that when we tell the story of the Exodus, we must start with “shame” and end with “praise”. One of those sages, Samuel , suggested that we start with the shameful fact that, “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt”. The sage Rav suggested we start our story of liberation even further back in history, when our ancestors worshipped idols. In starting with slavery, Samuel was referring to the physical shame of subjugation and exploitation by others. In starting with idolatry, Rav is referring to the spiritual shame of worshipping that which is naught. The Haggadah incorporates both of their opinions, starting with the story of our physical bondage in Egypt, then doubling back to tell of shame -- that Abraham’s father worshipped idols.

I find it intriguing that in telling of the story of our people, we begin with shame. Usually, we want to hide the things we are ashamed of. We do not want to talk about them, we do not want to remember them and we certainly do not want them exposed to the public eye. We usually want to avoid the humiliation that is associated with shame. One of the worst things that one can do in the Jewish tradition is to shame another in public. This week’s Torah portion teaches a profound moral lesson about this. It speaks of two sacrifices that are brought to the priests. There is the normal, everyday sacrifice called the “Elevation Offering”. This is the most common type of sacrifice that can be brought by an individual, and it is brought when a person seeks spiritual elevation and closeness to G-d. The Torah also speaks of the sacrifice called the “sin offering”. This, as its name implies, is brought only when a person has committed a transgression and is asking for atonement. The Torah says that the “Elevation Offering” and the “Sin Offering” are brought to the priest at the same place. This is not merely a matter of geography.  In this The Torah is being exquisitely sensitive to the issue of shame. If there was one entrance marked “For Elevation Offerings” and one entrance marked, “For Sin Offerings” the public would then know who was in need of forgiveness by which door the person entered. They might be subject to gossip, as people speculate about what the person bringing the sacrifice had done wrong!  Therefore, the Torah legislates that both the Elevation Offering and the Sin Offering are to be brought to the same place. One could say it is a way of guarding the individual’s dignity.

Of course, we no longer have a Temple and we no longer offer sacrifices as a way of worship. But our Sabbath table reminds us of the worship in the Temple. The white tablecloth represents the priestly garb. The candlesticks represent the Menorah that burned continually in the Temple. The Challahs on our table represent the show-bread that was baked weekly and placed in the Holy of Holies. The wine represents the wine libations that were performed each morning at the altar.  There is the story of 19^th century Rabbi, Israel Salanter, who once accepted an invitation for Shabbat dinner at the home of a prominent member of his synagogue. When he and his host were about to sit down, the husband grew angry at his wife for failing to cover the two loaves of Challah on the Shabbat table. The wife broke into tears and fled to the kitchen. 

Rabbi Salanter turned to the man. ‘Excuse me,” he said, “But I am getting older and have recently been having problems with my memory. Can you explain to me again why it is important to cover the two loaves of Challah at the Sabbath table?”

The host explained to Rabbi Salanter that the Challahs are covered as a way for them to be spared the shame, so to speak, of being exposed while all of the ritual attention is being paid to the wine. After he finished, Rabbi Salanter said to him, “You are meticulous about the custom of not “shaming” a mere loaf of bread. Yet how quick you are to embarrass your wife over her oversight of not covering the Challahs. I cannot eat with you.”

The man hurried to the kitchen to plead with his wife to forgive him. Afterwards, Rabbi Salanter consented to remain at the meal.

A number of reasons have been suggested as to why we begin our Passover story with shame. Some say it is important to remember our shame because it makes us more sensitive to those who are oppressed in our own day. By recalling our slavery, not only do we remember what it is like to be a slave, but we are reminded how not to treat others. Others say that recalling our slavery enables us to be that much more thankful to G-d for bringing us out of Egypt. By recalling the shame and humiliation of slavery we increase our gratitude for freedom. These are undoubtedly valid reasons for remembering the disgrace associated with enslavement. However there is never a good reason for shaming others, or recalling their most embarrassing moments. With our Passover holidays are coming up, families will soon gather around our tables for Seders.   I would like to suggest that we ask ourselves,  should we retell the “funny” ,  cute” but shaming  stories that go around the Seder table year after year, while the person  about whom the story is about sits there squirming in mortification?  Are we, ourselves, guilty of telling these stories?  Or, are we the subject of the story, and forced to sit there and endure them?  Is it time to retire those stories? ...... And how can we go about doing that?

I want to leave you with a little poem about the difference between shame and guilt. I am not sure where I got this poem, or who wrote it but it is worth listening to:

SHAME AND GUILT

Shame is not the same as guilt.

When we feel guilt, it's about something we did.
When we feel shame, it's about who we are.

When we feel guilty we need to learn
that it's OK to make mistakes.

When we feel shame we need to learn
that it's OK to be who we are!

Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sameach