Teach Your Children: Part ll (Parasha VeYechi)

 

It is the final chapter of the Book of Genesis. Jacob, reunited with his family in Egypt, is about to die. Before he does, he gathers his children around his deathbed for his final words to them. (Gen 49:1) His intention is to use his prophetic powers to tell them their futures. According to the midrash, Jacob’s prophetic powers departed from him at that moment and instead, Jacob holds forth on their characters and special gifts. Reuven, Jacob's first-born approaches.  Jacob remembers how young he was when Reuben was born, how excited he was to be a father for the first time, the hopes and dreams he had for Reuben in his youth. “But,” continues Jacob, "You turned out to be an impetuous person, you disrespected me, you desecrated our home with your reckless and immoral behavior. (Gen 35:22) Because of how you have acted, you have forfeited your right to leadership in our family. " With these final words from his father, Reuben is dismissed.

Next, Simeon and Levi approach their father.  "Ah, "says Jacob, "two sons who are so unlike me.  I am a builder, but the two of you are destroyers.  Cursed be your rage, for in your anger you murdered the entire community of Shechem, when their Prince kidnapped your sister Dina." (Gen.34:1) With that, they take leave of their father.

Clearly Jacob is using these intimate, final, moments of his life to rebuke his oldest three sons, with whom he is bitterly disappointed. He has held his tongue for a very long time, but now, on his deathbed, Jacob feels compelled to speak up. How do Reuben, Simeon and Levi feel after their father’s harsh reproach? Are they angry, ashamed, devastated? Do they apologize to their father or argue that the behavior he is criticizing was justified at the time? Do they just ignore his words? Or are they regretful and contrite on hearing them? The Torah does not say.

What does Judaism say about the obligations of a child to his or her parents?  Must children give Nachas to their parents?  "Nachas” which means the   sense of pride and pleasure parents take in the  accomplishments of their children. To what lengths does an adult child have to go to fulfill the commandment of “Honor your father and your mother?”

Rabbi Jonah Gerondi, a 13^th century Spanish Sage wrote, "Now the essence of to honor your father and your mother  is to give them pleasure, whether in words or in deeds. And he who pains them by his speech (or actions) bears an insupportable sin…."

Noam Zion of the Hartman Institute in Jerusalem labels this maximalist position, "The Yoke of Nachas." because leaves no room for the child to live their own life, make their own decisions, and to suffer from their own mistakes. 

 We try to instill in our children values and help them develop the  skills they will need to make their way in the world.  Then we need to let them go out and live their own lives, and make their own choices, even those which might not be the ones we might have made ourselves or we might think best for them. .  But we, as parents, need to accept their choices, especially when we don't understand them. We need to support them where we can – and never punish them for making choices we cannot support.  Above all, we must continue to love them.  Of course, this is often not that simple.

My colleague Rabbi Judith Edelstein writes beautifully of the conflicting tensions within all parents when we have something we want to say to our adult children and wonder whether we should say it:

"What guidelines should we follow when we choose what to say and how to speak our "truth" to our adult children, not only at significant moments but also during everyday communications? Is honesty the best policy, or is it wiser to restrain ourselves, despite our experiences and our belief that we can offer insights and advice? 

“I have been pondering this dilemma for the last few years as my children have become adults, and I struggle with my own urge to continue to teach them. Are my words for their benefit or are they really about my own need to retain control? I think about this because I am concerned about my final legacy and realize that all the conversations between now and my final words will have a cumulative impact."

 The Midrash explains why Jacob waited until he was on his deathbed to rebuke his children.  "I did not rebuke you all these years," Jacob tells his children, “So that you would not leave me and stay with my brother Esau."  Jacob knows that criticizing one's children can drive them away and make matters far worse than they otherwise would be. The Stone Chumash comments on this. "This implies a general rule for those who wish to admonish others in a constructive way. They must weigh their words carefully, lest their sincere comments do more harm than good." 

Shabbat Shalom

image https://etc.usf.edu/clipart/187900/187965/187965-jacob-blesses-his-sons-and-prophesies.htm

 

Teach Your Children Well (Parashah Miketz)

 

This past Sunday Naperville Community Television visited our Congregation as part of a segment they were producing on “Chanukah in Naperville”. The NCTV reporter visited with Jen Weiner and her kindergarten class as they lit the Hanukkah candles in our sanctuary. The reporter went on to interview the kids about how they celebrate Hanukkah. The first student cut right to the heart of the matter, “We open the presents after dinner.” One of our more competitive students replied, “I spin the Dreidel and I always win!” “I celebrate with my mommy and my daddy and my brother and my doggy,” explained a third student. The reporter then asked me why we involve the children in the lighting of the Hanukkah candles.

 

I explained, “Chanukah, just like all of Judaism, gets passed on from generation to generation. We have a tradition, a religion that goes back over 3000 years, and the only way to continue that religion is to teach our children.”

 

“Ledor va-dor”, right? “From generation to generation we will tell of G-d’s greatness”, as the prayer goes. Teaching our children about our religion is a fundamental mitzvah that is articulated in our most important prayer, the Shema, “You must diligently teach your children” -- Veshinantam Levanekha ושׁננתם לבניך. The word ושׁננתם means that we should teach our children so well that our instructions leaves an indelible imprint upon them, one that will become part of their very being, an impression so deep it is not easily shed. So important is Jewish education that the Rambam states in his “Laws of Talmud Torah” that “Teachers of small children should be appointed in each and every land, in each and every region, and in each and every village.” He further writes that communities that do not do this should be ostracized until they appoint teachers, and if they still do not appoint teachers, that community deserves to be destroyed, “since the world exists only by virtue of the breath coming from the mouths of children who study Torah.” Pretty strong words, wouldn’t you say? 

 

Rabbi Marc Angel writes about a time a woman came up to him after he had finished a lecture. She told him that she was a Holocaust survivior. After the war she immigrated to this country and had four children. With tears in her eyes she told him that none of her grandchildren were Jewish. Her children had grown up and left the faith. None of them had raised their children Jewish. 

Rabbi Angel tried to offer the woman some words of comfort, but he felt his words were inadequate to address the pain that this woman was experiencing and expressing to him. He asked her what synagogue she attended, thinking that perhaps he could encourage her to talk to her rabbi about this. She answered, “ I don’t belong to a synagogue. We have never attended a synagogue. We are not religious.” 

 

Many people believe that a parent can pass down Judaism as a kind of inherited characteristic while neglecting to do the work of teaching their children. Yet research has consistently shown that giving one's child a good Jewish education is an important factor in ensuring that one’s child will develop a strong Jewish identity they will pass down to their children. Of course, there are no guarantees. We all know of parents who are committed Jews who educated their children, and yet their children did not identify as Jews as adults. And we all know parents who did not belong to a synagogue or did not educate their children, and these children developed strong Jewish identities as adults. And of course, there are adults whose parents were not Jewish at all, who were not raised Jewish, and yet who found something beautiful in Judaism and decided to convert! So there are always exceptions, and there are no guarantees, but research has demonstrated that Jewish continuity is strongly correlated with education, observance and commitment. 

 

In our parasha for this week, Jacob and his family set out for Egypt where they will live under the protection of Joseph. The text says that Judah went ahead to prepare the way (Genesis 46:28). Rashi teaches that Judah went ahead in order to set up a school, a Beit Midrash, so that when they arrived in Egypt Jacob could commence to instruct his children immediately upon their arrival. 

 

Since that time, whenever Jews settle in a new place, one of the first things we do is set up a school to educate our children. Our own synagogue began in the 1970’s when a group of Jewish parents in Naperville decided to form a school so that they could teach their children. "We wanted to make sure our children had a Jewish education. We took matters into our own hands. We were not alone," Yonah Klem said in a Chicago Tribune article on the occasion of our congregation’s 45th anniversary. 

 

Teaching our children is a holy undertaking, a mitzvah of the highest order. So important is Jewish education that the Rabbi’s proclaimed, “One who teaches another’s child Torah is regarded by the tradition as one who gave birth to the child.” (Sanhedrin 19B) Thus, teaching our children Torah is not only a grave responsibility, but also a supreme privilege as well.

 

To Be a Jew is to be Thankful (Parasha VaYetze 11-19)

Every Sunday morning, I visit our Sunday school classes. Each class prepares questions they want me to answer. I have had so many great questions. What does the word “Rabbi” mean? Why did G-d create the world? Where was the first synagogue? Who was the first Rabbi? If G-d did not want Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Good and Evil, why did G-d plant it in the garden of Eden in the first place? Great questions! But there is one question I have never been asked. That question is, “Why are we called ‘Jews’? No one has asked me that question. And that is the question I want to answer tonight. 

 
 

Why are we called “Jews”?  

 
 

The very first Jewish person, Abraham, is not called a “Jew” in the Torah. He is called an “ivri”. The Torah does not explain why Abraham is called an “ivri”. The Rabbis relate this term to the Hebrew word “avar” which means, “to cross”. In this explanation, Abraham was from “the other side of the river” --  the Euphrates River, which he had to cross on his way to the Land of Israel.  Today when we say someone is “from the other side of the tracks”, we usually mean that they are outsiders, ( and poor ones at that.!!)    Perhaps Abraham is referred to as an ‘ivri” because he was a stranger, an outsider in the Land of Canaan. He also worshipped a different G-d, which would add to his being different.    

 
 

By the time we get to the Book of Exodus we are referred to by a different name -- B’nai Yisrael. This translates into “Children of Israel” or “Israelites”. “Israel” is, of course, the name given to Jacob after his struggle with the angel which we read about in next week’s Torah reading. But the term, “Bnai Yisrael” or “Children of Israel '' comes to describe an entire people, not just the actual children of Jacob. Throughout the rest of the Torah we are called “Bnai Yisrael” -- Israelites. We see this term used in our prayer this evening, “Ve-Shamru Bnai Yisrael et Ha-Shabbat” -- the People of Israel shall observe the Sabbath. That prayer comes directly from the Book of Exodus.  

 
 

The first person to be described as a “Jew” in Scriptures is Mordechai in the Book of Esther. All of Mordechai and Esther’s people are also called “yehudim” or “Jews”. Scholars believe the Book of Esther was one of the last books in the Bible to be written. It was probably written between 400 and 300 BCE. If that is correct, we are talking about over a thousand years from the time of Abraham for the Bible to describe someone as “a Jew”.  

 
 

Let’s review. We have three names. The first, the name that describes Abraham, is “ivri”, the “one who crossed over the river”. “Hebrew” in English. The second, “Bnai Yisrael”, “The Children of Israel” is named after Jacob and refers not to his actual children, but to the entire people who were enslaved in Egypt. The third name is “Jew” or “Yehudi”. What does “Yehudi” mean, and where did that name come from?  

 
 

In this week’s parasha we read that Jacob married two sisters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob fell in love with Rachel, the younger sister, but was tricked into marrying Leah, the older sister first.   Having two wives, sisters no less, is a complicated matter. The Torah tells us that Jacob loved Rachel, but that Leah was unloved. When G-d saw that Leah was unloved, G-d decided to do something about it. Leah began to have children, but Rachel was unable to have children. Leah named her first child Reuven, which means, “Now my husband will love me.” Sad, isn’t it? But Jacob did not love her anymore than he had before Reuven was born. Leah had a second son. She called him Shimon, saying, “Maybe my husband will love me now.” But Jacob did not love her anymore after two sons. She kept on trying. She had a third son, named Levi, saying, “Perhaps my husband will become attached to me now that I have given birth to three children.” But Jacob did not love her anymore after three children than after two children. Leah had a fourth son, and named him …… “Yehudah”. And she said after this son, “This time I will thank G-d”. 

 
 

Do you see what happened? At first she wanted to have children so she could win the love of her husband. She kept focusing on what she did not have, what she could never have, because you cannot make another person love you. She must have felt very bitter after the birth of each of her sons, because it did not change the way Jacob felt about her. But when her fourth son was born, she turned her attention to what she did have. She had four children, and, finally, she could thank G-d for these gifts which she never appreciated before. So she names her son “Yehudah” which means “Thank You” from which the word “Yehudim”, or “Jews” comes from.  

 
 

I imagine that from that point on, Leah’s life changed.  Maybe, she was no longer so preoccupied with her place in Jacob’s heart.  Perhaps she was no longer jealous of her sister Rachel. I hope that naming her son Yehudah was a sign that she could now appreciate all of the blessings in her life and take pleasure and find happiness in what she had.  

 
 

We are named after Leah’s fourth son, Yehudah. We are “Yehudim” -- Jews. We are the people who give thanks. We are a people who pay attention to the  blessings that we have received, just as Leah did when she finally acknowledged the blessings in her life.  We are the people who praise G-d, who thank G-d when we get up in the morning -- Modeh Ani Lefanekha -- 

“I thank you, G-d, everlasting Ruler, who allows me to wake up to a new day!” 

“Therefore we are obligated to thank You, and to praise You, and to bless You. Happy are we, how good are our lives, how pleasant our fates, how glorious the gifts we have been given.” 

 
 

How many of us wake up with that attitude? Or do we wake up and say, “I don’t feel like getting out of bed today, it’s cold and windy outside, Or, I don’t feel like going to school, I think I’ll take the day off, I didn’t sleep well last night……. 

 
 

Of course, we sometimes feel like this. We are only human. But when we do feel like this in our lives, we should try our best to overcome these feelings, and to greet each day as a gift to be thankful for. This is the true meaning of being a “Yehudi” -- of being a Jew, a member of a people who give thanks. 

Shabbat Shalom 

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