Sculpture of Leah by Michelangelo

Before Generation Z, before the Millennials, before Generation X, there were the Baby Boomers. My generation and the generation of many of you... The “Baby Boomers” were also dubbed “The Me Generation” because of our perceived unhealthy focus on fulfilling our own needs. The American historian and   social critic Christopher Lasch called the youth movement of my day “The Culture of Narcissism”. It was characterized, he wrote, by a fear of commitment to both relationships and religious institutions, a celebration of youth, a dread of ageing, and a worship of fame and celebrity. The “Me Generation”, according to Lasch and other commentators, had turned away from the social reform movements of the 1960s to focus inward, on the gratification of the self, the self-fulfillment of the individual. Yet, the self-improvement movements of the 1970’s like  EST, Bioenergetics, Gestalt therapy and others , left people feeling as empty and dissatisfied as ever. Perhaps Mick Jagger best summed up the frustration of the youth movement of the sixties and seventies when he wrote in 1979, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”.

That would be a fitting epitaph to the life of Leah, about whom we read in this week’s parasha. You know the story.  Jacob flees to Haran where he resides in the home of his uncle, Lavan. Lavan has two daughters. Rachel, the younger daughter is described as “beautiful” and “comely”. Leah the older daughter is described as having “weak eyes”. We don’t know exactly what that phrase means. I believe it is a euphemism for some kind of unbecoming feature. Jacob falls in love with Rachel and works seven years for her father Lavan in order to marry her. On the wedding night, Lavan substitutes Leah for Rachel. In the morning, when Jacob discovers the ruse, he confronts Lavan. Lavan explains that it is the custom of the place to marry off the older daughter before the younger. The following week Jacob marries his beloved Rachel.

Now Jacob has two wives – Rachel, who he always wanted to marry, and Leah, who he was tricked into marrying. The Torah tells us that Jacob loved Rachel but “despised” Leah. That doesn’t seem quite fair. Leah had no role in deceiving Jacob into the betrothal. She was as much a victim of her father, Lavan, as Jacob. Nevertheless, it appears that Jacob held this against her and hated her for it. Yet, the one thing Leah wanted from the time of the marriage was for Jacob to love her. One way of cementing a relationship is to have children together. Leah conceived and gave birth to Jacob’s first son. In Biblical times, every man hoped his wife give him a son, and Leah desired more than anything in the world that the birth of this son would change Jacob’s feelings about her. She expressed this desire by naming the son Reuven, which means, “Now my husband will love me.” But Jacob did not love Leah any more after she gave birth to a son than he had before. Leah had a second son, and named him Shimon, which means, “G-d heard that I am despised so G-d gave me another son.” The second son did not get Jacob to love Leah any more than the first! They say that “three’s a charm” and Leah gave Jacob yet another son. She called him “Levi” saying, “Surely my husband will become attached to me now.”

It didn’t happen.

The names that Leah gives her three sons reflect the anguish she felt over not getting what she wanted – the love and affection of her husband. The names of her sons up to that time reveal Leah’s ongoing concern on what she lacks in her life. In naming her fourth son “Yehudah”, we see a change in Leah’s outlook. For “Yehudah” means, “This time I will praise G-d”.

No, you can’t always get what you want: But, as Mick Jagger concludes, “If you try sometimes/ you just might find/ you get what you need”. For the first time we see Leah focusing on the blessings that she herself has in life. Leah has grown from being obsessed with what she lacks to being genuinely grateful for what she has. Leah searches and searches, and ultimately finds what she needs.

And so may we all.

Shabbat Shalom

The "Self Made Man" ?

 

One of the most enduring myths of our country is that of the “self-made man”. Benjamin Franklin has been described as “the original self-made man”. In his autobiography, Franklin describes the journey he made from being the son of a candle maker to re-invent himself, through the virtues of “industry, economy and perseverance” as a scientist,  a diplomat and a writer. Frederick Douglass, the leader of the abolitionist movement in Massachusetts and a writer, orator and statesman himself, described the “self-made man” in these words, “One cannot be "made" by the help of a father, teacher, mentor, etc. ..., but must rise by one's own grit, determination, discipline, and opportunism.”

Nothing can be further from the Jewish tradition than the idea of the “self-made man”. The Torah itself cautions us against saying “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." The point is illustrated in a commentary on the first verse in our parasha for this week – “These are the stories of Isaac the son of Abraham, Abraham was the father of Isaac.”

The commentators are struck by this verse. If Isaac is the son of Abraham, doesn’t it follow that Abraham is the father of Isaac? Why use the precious words of the Torah to state the obvious?

There are  multiple  answers to this question, but I want to highlight one suggested by Rabbi Yechiel Singer, z’l, a Chassidic Rebbe from the Aleksandro dynasty that originated in Poland. Describing Isaac as “the son of Abraham” means that Isaac never forgot his father. He always thought of himself as the son of that great man, and all that he achieved in his life was the result of his good fortune of having two holy people, Abraham and Sarah, as his parents. Without the moral examples that they provided, without the education that they gave him, he understood that he would be nothing. Everything he achieved in life was because of them. The verse also describes Abraham as the father of Isaac. This conveys the idea that despite all that Abraham had done in the service of G-d, his most important contribution to the world was he and Sarah had raised a child who was considerate, decent, proper and respectful. This, writes Rabbi Yechiel Singer, is the way of holy people. They don’t see themselves as worthy in their own eyes, but give all of the credit to their parents who bequeathed  so much to them.  They do not see themselves as being “self-made” but instead understand they are beholden to the gifts bestowed upon them by their families. Conversely, our chief virtue is not the wealth we accumulate, or the power we exercise, or the books that we write or the  successes  we achieve. The measure of a life well lived is the moral qualities we pass on to the next generation.

This Thanksgiving most of us will not be able to celebrate with our parents, our grandparents, our siblings,  our adult children and our grandchildren,  our nieces and our nephews.  It will be impossible not to think of them, not to miss them and long for their company. Let us therefore give thanks to all those who came before us, for giving us so much, for helping to make us who we are today. And let us also  give thanks to the next generation as well, and may their lives reflect the values, the traditions and  the  virtues that we have passed on to  them. They are our most precious gifts to the world.  Have a very Happy Thanksgiving filled with health, peace, warm memories and joy.

Shabbat Shalom

Veterans Day Sermon

 

In 1688 a Swiss physician named James Hofer coined the term “nostalgia” from the Greek “nostos” meaning “homecoming” and “algos” meaning “pain”. The syndrome was characterized by sadness and a persistent longing for a person, an object or a place. Hofer called nostalgia a “disease”. It was thought to be particularly widespread among soldiers. Nostalgia was seen as especially threatening to the functioning of armies, as it was thought to sap the will to fight in those who suffered from it.   We know from historical records that the Russian army experienced an outbreak of nostalgia on its way to Germany in 1733. In order to “flatten the curve” (as we say) of this outbreak, the General in charge threatened to bury alive those who came down with the disease. After following through with his threat a couple of times, the outbreak was brought under control.   Military history throughout centuries records a range of techniques to deal with “nostalgia” in it fighting forces.

I wonder if Abraham and Sarah ever experienced nostalgia? Did they ever look back and long for what they left behind? G-d commanded Abraham and Sarah to leave the land of their birth and travel to the Land of Canaan. There, G-d promised that their descendants, the Jewish people, would inherit the land. There, their descendants would grow into a mighty people and bring the knowledge of the One True G-d to all of the nations of the world. In this week’s parasha we find Rivka, too, making the decision to leave her family and travel to the land of Canaan with the servant of Abraham to be a wife to Abraham’s son, Isaac. Did Rivkah experience nostalgia? Abraham was already 75 years old when he left his parents; Rivka was but a young teen when she made the decision to leave her home with Abraham’s servant for a distant new land, a new life. Could you imagine how scary that would be, to travel to a place unknown, with Abraham’s servant, a man you had just met, to marry a man, Isaac, who you did not know -- especially at such a  young  age?

As we observe Veterans Day, we are keenly aware of the emotional and psychological challenges faced by the brave citizens who leave home to heed the call for service. Rabbi Yanina Creditor, a chaplain in the United States Navy is one such citizen. Rabbi Creditor volunteered to serve in the military and to serve her country. In the military, she reminds us, you go where you are sent. Setting out for an unknown outpost, with the likelihood of facing danger in a foreign land, can be a daunting, lonely and scary process, she says. She identifies with Abraham and Rivka, who also left their families to serve a higher cause.  Their families back home naturally remained extremely important. When Abraham decides to find a wife for Isaac, he reaches back to his family in Mesopotamia. When Rivka fears for her son, Yaakov’s, life, she sends him back to her family to keep him safe. So, too, in the military, says Rabbi Creditor, your family and community back home remains an enormous source of psychological grounding, strength and support from which to draw.

Rabbi Creditor says that in the military, you both take your family with you and you build new relationships, new families so to speak, wherever you go. Even as you build new support systems, it is important for those serving in the armed forces to know that they remain a part of the family back home. Like Abraham and Rivka, having that family, that connection, those affirming bonds, reminds the soldier that they are not alone, no matter how far away they may be.

That brings us to two projects that we at CBS are undertaking to help our troops and veterans stay connected to home. Lisa Olhausen is heading up a local effort to send Chanukah greetings to our Jewish troops. Last year the national organization, The Jewish Soldiers Project, sent over 3000 cards from more than 25 states to Jewish soldiers at home and overseas. You can either stop by the synagogue to pick up some cards that have been donated for this purpose, send your own store-bought card or create your own card. It is a great project for entire families -- particularly for kids and teens.

Our knitzvah team, led by CBS member Lisa Anderson, is supporting Warm up America’s Veterans Blanket Project.  Those who wish to participate can knit or crochet a 7 inch by 9 inch rectangle in red, white, or blue yarn. Lisa will collect all of our sections at the end of November and mail them together to “Warm Up America” where they will be combined into blankets to be delivered to veteran’s hospitals. The Knitzvah group meets online every other week. You can learn more about both these projects by clicking on our weekly Connections Update that comes on Wednesdays.

Let me close this sermon with a prayer.

God, please let every veteran of our nation’s armed forces feel truly valued and honored by the recognition, attention and appreciation from their fellow citizens. Let no one feel left behind, forgotten or neglected. Let every man and woman, young or old, feel the profound, unconditional and enduring gratitude of our nation and all its citizens.

Adonai our G-d, watch over those men and women who in their military service have sacrificed time, safety and comfort, who have put their lives at risk and their ambitions on hold, who have left loved ones behind, in order to assure the peace and safety of our nation, of family and friends and others they’ve never even known. Please reward them a hundredfold for all their sacrifice and service. Bless them far beyond all their expectations. Reward them richly for all they have given.”

And let us say, AMEN.

Photo by Sheri Hooley on Unsplash

 

 

Falling in Love

 

John M. Gottman is an American Psychologist renowned worldwide for his extensive research on marriage. He has spent over forty years developing measurements to predict who would become divorced and who would stay married.  When I was still a practicing couple’s therapist, I took a seminar with him on assessment of couples who present for marital counseling. One question in evaluating a couple’s potential to overcome difficulties in their relationship was to ask them, “What were the qualities that attracted you to your spouse when you chose one another?” If the couple got all dewy eyed as they recounted their first meetings, the therapist knew that there were still some sparks of love left for the relationship to rebuild upon. If, on the other hand, the couple glared at each other in stony silence, or the couple could not remember anything positive about their relationship, the therapist knew this was going to be a difficult couple to help.

The sages ask the same question about the relationship between Abraham and G-d. Why did G-d choose Abraham? What qualities did Abraham have that made G-d “fall in love with him” as it were? Curiously, last week’s parasha, where G-d tells Abraham He will make him a great nation, is silent on the matter. The Torah tells us why G-d chose Noah out of all the humans on the earth to be saved. Noah was righteous in his generation. But when G-d chooses Abraham, the text does not describe him as righteous, it does not tell us that he “fears G-d”, the text says nothing to praise him.

The Maharal of Prague was perplexed as well by this absence of a reason for choosing Abraham. The Maharal, also known as Rabbi Judah Loew ben Bezalel, was a great scholar who lived in the 16^th century. On our congregational trip to Central Europe two years ago, we saw the famous statue of the Maharal of Prague outside of city hall. We also visited his grave in the Old Jewish Cemetery.  He concludes that if G-d chose Abraham and his descendants for a specific quality, then if this quality should somehow disappear from the Jewish people in the future, G-d would feel justified in rescinding His choice, and leaving the Jewish people. To prove his point, he quotes Pirke Avot, “All love that depends on a specific quality, when that quality disappears, so does the love. But when love does not depend on a specific quality, when that quality disappears, the love endures.” Since G-d’s love for Abraham and his descendants did not depend on a specific quality, this love would endure even if Abraham’s descendants should sin. A sort of insurance policy in the event we, the Jewish people, should anger G-d. The bond was unbreakable. There could be no divorce!

Recently our Thursday morning study group heard a lecture by Rabbi Meir Soloveitchic, an American Orthodox rabbi who also addresses this issue. He maintains that the key to understanding why G-d chose Abraham is found in this week’s parasha. The passage he refers to comes as G-d is contemplating whether to share with Abraham His decision to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.   The Torah says, “For I love him, for I know he will instruct his children and his household after him to keep My way by doing what is just and right…”

Let’s analyze that verse.  First, the verse says that Abraham would teach his children and household “after him”. This means that Abraham did not say one thing and do another. He was a model that  his children and grandchildren could look up to. They could and learn by watching his behavior how a Jewish person should act. Abraham observed Shabbat and holidays, said kiddush on Friday night, served on committees in his synagogue, gave money to Jewish causes and engaged in adult education.  Secondly, G-d loved Abraham because Abraham would do what is “just and right”. Abraham would do what was “just” by involving himself in issues of social justice. He would not turn a blind eye to prejudice and oppression in the society in which he lived. He was actively engaged in the issues of his time. But he would also do what was “right”. He would educate his children and household in the right way to live a Jewish life. .  He sent his children to Hebrew school, enrolled them in a Jewish summer camp, encouraged them to be continue with their Jewish education after their bar and bat mitzvahs.  Finally, Abraham would “keep the way of G-d”. Abraham’s Judaism consisted of more than an ethnic identity. It consisted of more than ritual observance, more than speaking Hebrew, more than a love of Israel, more than intellectual knowledge, more than standing up to injustice. Abraham’s life had a spiritual dimension as well.

Each one of us should strive to make ourselves worthy of being chosen by G-d by following Abraham’s example of integrity, responsibility and love of G-d.

[Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash]

Shabbat Shalom

 

 

 

In Praise of Grandparents

 

The ideal of the blessed person in the Bible is to live long enough to see one’s grandchildren. For example, Psalm 128 concludes with the following blessing:

“May G-d bless you from Zion/May you share the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life/ and live to see your children’s children.”

But unlike the obligations that a parent has to a child, or the obligations that a child has to a parent, there is little within the traditional texts about the obligations of a grandparent to a grandchild. One exception is a text in the Talmud (Kiddushin 30a) that cites the example of a grandfather who taught his grandchild Torah, Mishnah, Talmud, Halacha and Aggadah. The rabbis of the Talmud ask, “Is being so involved in one’s grandchild’s Jewish education the exception or the rule?” It is the rule, they conclude, citing the verse in Deuteronomy (4:9) that one should teach the Torah “to your sons and to the sons of your sons”. The discussion proceeds to two examples of Rabbis who were involved in their grandchildren’s education. One rabbi would not eat breakfast until he had read to his grandchild and taught him an additional verse of scripture. Another rabbi would not eat breakfast until he had brought his grandchild to the study hall. The Talmud concludes this discussion by declaring, “Teaching the Torah to one’s grandchild is tantamount to receiving the Torah at Mount Sinai”. High praise indeed. 

In our time, few grandparents are able to study Torah every day with their grandchildren. Yet, as Jack Wertheimer, a professor of Jewish History at the Jewish Theological Seminary writes, grandparents continue to be an important influence on their grandchildren’s attachment to Judaism. Studies show that the relationship that a child has to his or her grandparent is often more positive than that which they have with their parents. Social media attests to the outsized influence grandparents can have on their grandchildren. As one Facebook post noted upon the death of a grandfather, “My Grandpa meant the world to me, as did our entire family to him. My love of Israel, Judaism and family all came from him.” Wertheimer writes that as a member of the admissions committee at the Seminary Rabbinic School, he has been “repeatedly struck by the number of applicants citing grandparental influence in their eventual decision to become actively committed members of the Jewish clergy.”

Wertheimer notes two other studies. The first, a survey of Birthright alumni concluded that, “a connection to Jewish grandparents is an important predictor of a wide variety of positive Jewish attitudes and practices in later years.” A second study of college students found that “those whose grandparents accompanied them to the synagogue and engage in other Jewish activities  are likeliest to feel strong attachments to Israel and the Jewish people.” Finally, a recent study, “Families and Faith” concludes that for many children, grandparents are the de facto moral and religious models and teachers in lieu of parents who are too exhausted or too busy on weekends to go to church or temple.”

Not all of us live close enough to our own grandchildren to drive them to religious school or attend synagogue with them on weekends. And not all adult children welcome the involvement of their parents in their children’s religious life. Adult children do not always share their parent’s commitment to Jewish involvement and practice. In these kinds of situations  one needs  to tread very  gently  and figure out ways to reach for the hearts and souls of the grandchildren. One also must be prepared to accept that inclusion in their religious upbringing might be out of reach altogether.   Involvement might occur through negotiated and carefully calibrated Jewish observance –   sporadic Shabbat dinners, an occasional synagogue visit, possibly a visit to a Holocaust museum, minimal  instruction in Jewish perspectives. Synagogues like our own can also help forge a Jewish bond between grandchildren and grandparents by sponsoring more opportunities like tonight, which brings together grandparents and grandchildren. We certainly welcome your ideas for programs in the future!

I would like to close with a beautiful poem from an anonymous author that  clearly  captures the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren.

Child of my child, heart of my heart/ Your smile bridges the years between us/ I am young again discovering the world through your eyes/ You have the time to listen and I have the time to spend/ Delighted to gaze at familiar loved features made new in you again/ Through you I see the future, through me you see the past/ In the present we’ll love one another/ As long as these moments last.

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

Shabbat Shalom